Discovering New Space Through Forgiveness

Image titled "Whitby Abbey: Archway" by Craig M. Booth. To see his Flickr photostream, click on the image.

“I don’t care what you say!  We didn’t participate in your program and we’re not paying for this campout!”

I felt my face flush hot at the angry words of the man breaking camp beneath the tall pine trees.  It was Sunday morning, and we were at the end of the Fall Camporee for our local Boy Scout District.  I was the chairman of the event.  I had worked with several other scout leaders over the past six months to develop a program combining service, a competition that tested map and compass skills, and other fun events.  Up until this confrontation, I had thought that the camporee had been a real success.

Now I was confronted with an angry Scoutmaster who seemed bent on picking a fight with me about the camporee fee.  Out of 16 troops attending, only 2 had decided not to participate in the competition portion of the event.  The other troop had paid their camporee fee ($10 per scout) but then complained to others, behind my back, that they were upset at the high cost, didn’t think it fair for what they received, and they threatened that they wouldn’t pay it next year.  Now, after the event was complete and most of the other troops had already departed, this Scoutmaster decided to make his protest by refusing to pay any fee at all.

I felt caught between a rock and a hard place.  I’m a volunteer trying to do my best, like the vast majority of scout leaders,and  just like the angry man who was yelling at me.  Certain camping fees are required to cover costs of scout property use and insurance, and we both knew it.  I have no authority to waive those fees.  Plus the other troop had grudgingly paid their fee; how would they react if they learned I gave this troop a pass on paying theirs?

All these thoughts, and a host of other defensive reactions flashed through my mind in an instant.  I felt my muscles tense, preparing for a fight.  Then, thankfully, I remembered to take a breath, and in that instant, my forgiveness had room to begin taking root.

Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately.  The work that Carol and I have been doing with our Mediator has opened my eyes to how little conscious thought goes into many of my reactions, particularly when I’m stressed or feeling attacked.  I have complained bitterly for years about Carol’s unwillingness to forgive past hurts and mistakes that I’ve made; it has been a difficult and humbling experience to discover just how unforgiving I have been towards her.

Christianity is crystal clear on the issue of forgiveness: we’re all to “turn the other cheek,” and not just once, but as many times as necessary.  In this respect, all the major world religions agree: treat others as you would like to be treated.  We’re all human, therefore we all make mistakes, and consequently we all need to be able to forgive.  In modern times, science has also “discovered” the benefits of forgiveness to our physical and psychological health.  Holding onto anger over past hurts has been linked to high blood pressure, heart disease, and even increased risk for certain cancers.  Studies have shown that patients who actively work to release their long-held negative emotions through forgiveness have a lower risk to long-term medical diseases and are even better able to avoid illnesses like the common cold or flu.

But how exactly do we forgive?  What is the process?  In my experience, we’re frequently encouraged to be forgiving, but we receive precious little actual training in the practice of forgiveness.  I believe that most of us, if asked, would state that we consider ourselves to be forgiving.  However, when we feel unjustly attacked, as I did that Sunday morning, the vast majority of us would feel vindicated in defending ourselves and even fighting back.  I wasn’t being abused or physically threatened, yet my immediate, unconscious reaction was to prepare for fight-or-flight.

Being conscious of my body’s reactions and the emotions they’re communicating is a technique we’ve been practicing in our Mediation sessions.  Likewise, the technique of purposely drawing a breath, which draws my mind out of the past and centers it in the present moment.  That instant of centering created a small space that allowed other possibilities to enter my mind: alternative reasons for the Scoutmaster’s anger, an openness to the idea that he may have a valid point, and new, creative responses to his opposition.  In a word: forgiveness.

As calmly as I could, I said, “It doesn’t really matter to me whether you pay the fee or not.  It’s not like I keep any of the money.”

A look of surprise flashed over the Scoutmaster’s face, but he was still wary of me.  I let the silence stretch between us for a moment, then asked, “But what about your troop’s camping fees?”

He conceded that his troop probably owed the camping fee for their weekend stay, but they hadn’t participated in any of the other events nor received the patches from the event, and they weren’t going to pay for them.

“That’s fine,” I said.  ”I’ll let the District Executive know about our discussion and you can square up with her.”

I left his campsite still feeling agitated over the encounter, but as I reflected on our exchange on the drive home, the open space of that forgiveness continued to grow in my mind.  I realized that this man had avoided me almost the entire weekend.  How long had he been worrying about having an argument with me?  I could imagine the stress of that worry had tainted his entire weekend.  I found myself feeling sorry that he had suffered in that way.

I also found my forgiveness extending to the troop that had complained behind my back.  Perhaps I had intimidated them.  Perhaps I had been too distracted or insensitive to hear their concerns.  Certainly their concerns were just as valid, and I realized that I could influence the District Executive to adjust their fees, too.  In a flash of insight, I realized that making things right with both troops now will help the Fall Camporee to be even more successful next year.

All that space from one little breath, and the forgiveness that it allowed in.

Share Your Forgiveness Methods

I’m continuing my research into forgiveness.  So far in my reading, I’ve come across some fascinating forgiveness methods and concepts, and I plan to share them with you in future posts.  Forgiveness is a huge subject, and I’m aware that I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of this topic so far.  Much of the forgiveness literature I’ve uncovered so far is written for the Clergy or professional therapists.

I’m far more interested in the daily application of forgiveness in our lives.  I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences on forgiveness in the comments below.  How do you practice forgiveness?  Do you have a regular method that you follow?  Can you recommend a good book that helps explain the art of forgiveness?  Can you give an example where forgiveness gave you space to respond in a creative, beneficial way?